Lunchtime Blitz Attack

I have an unwarranted fear of bees and wasps. I have been stung a few times, but I’m not allergic. But for whatever reason, this irrational fear remains. I have tried talking to bees on the porch. I have tried to listen to people who say, “if you don’t bother it, it won’t bother you.” Nothing. Still scared shitless.

Today I went home for lunch. I like to leave the windows cracked so it doesn’t get too hot in the car while I’m inside. Today I absent-mindedly left half a can of Mt. Dew in the console. Windows cracked + Mt. Dew = bad moments ahead for Mandy. After lunch I closed up the house and got in my car without a second thought. I grabbed the soda and took as swig. I started rolling down the driveway when a GIANT wasp came out of nowhere. It seemed to just hover next to my head waiting for me to notice. Then I noticed.

“SHIT.” I put the car in park and dove out slamming the door behind me. I danced around the car swinging and swatting at my head. I have no idea what the neighbors must be thinking. I composed myself. The wasp was resting calmly on the dashboard enjoying the radio, “…put it down, put it down on me. Come on baby put it down on me…” Little bastard. I quickly formulated my plan of attack. I crept towards my car, bent in half to avoid being seen. I opened the door slowly with my eyes glued on the wasp. I began to roll the windows all the way down. I was distracted by my thoughts, “I’ll just wait. It will leave. If not I’ll empty an entire canister of wasp spray on that fuc..” “EEEEKK!” The wasp turned and attacked again. It harnessed ferocious speed not likely displayed by any other wasp on earth. One again I retreated to my standard flailing and gyrating. I took my hoodie off and began violently whipping at the air. Pawing at my head and looking around for the wasp. But it was gone.

I doubt I killed it. It seemed to be a super species of wasps determined to wipe out the human race. But I survived and rewarded myself with cupcakes. As I walked into the office I realized that I looked like I had just survived a wrestling match with a grizzly bear. My hair was going 50 different directions, my eyes a little beady and still panicked looking, an uneasy smile on my face and a fistful of cupcakes.